BREXILE: The Light at the end of the Chunnel

More reanimated scribblings from me on the subject of belonging (or not). I wrote this in June 2017, reflecting back 21 years to June 1996 and that football match.

Even June 2017 seems a distant world now - “Germany - under the chancellorship of Angela Merkel - is being hailed as leader of the free world.” Well, there’s not much hailing of that sort going on at the moment ...

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THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE CHUNNEL

 

21 years ago, I sat down in a cellar in Mittelbuchen and wept. 

 

And then I got up and demanded a taxi to take me to the airport, to go home, back to England. This, of course, was absurd. I was plastered and was expected at 9 o’clock sharp in a Frankfurt West End office the next day. All I had were the clothes I stood up in and a large artwork board bearing a Magic-Markered cross of St George and pictures of Gascoigne, Shearer, Sheringham et al clipped out of the newspapers.

 

They were oblivious to my anguish, my German friends. Oblivious to my cries of how England had deserved to win, needed to win, for the good of the whole country. The tragic irony of it all. Beaten at Wembley – the hosts! It just wasn’t cricket. 30 years of hurt. Hurt to the bone, and what’s bred therein. It was like finding your new spouse cheating on your honeymoon.  

 

In March 1996, three months previously, I’d jumped the great ship Britannia as she sailed towards the island of Cool. My one-way ticket cut through the Heathrow fog like a landing light. Terminal 1 echoed with finality – no going back?

 

Who in their right mind would want to go there? We had Oasis, the Spice Girls, two World Wars and one Word Cup. They had bad haircuts and even worse music. I arrived at Frankfurt airport with the baggage of ignorant superiority and (relative) youthful arrogance. And a yuppie hangover.

 

Last night, 27^th June 2017, was the half-final of the Under 21s. England vs. Germany, and history seemed to be repeating itself, although none of the players on the pitch had even been born, that fateful night in Wembley. Maybe their mothers had wept, as I had, clutched their bumps, and dreamed of their little man growing up to be the saviour of English football, a young lion. Or maybe not.

 

Has nothing changed? Maybe not on the football pitch, but there’s a world beyond that. In that world, Germany seems to have achieved a feat even more remarkable than an English football team winning on penalties. Germany – under the chancellorship of Angela Merkel – is being hailed as the leader of the free world. This isn’t about economy, or defence but about values. Who can’t fail to be delighted seeing Angie’s scornful glances and wry smiles in the presence of Donald Trump? 

 

Meanwhile: Oh! England, my hamster heart.

 

The great ship Britannia sank unceremoniously amid illegal wars, lies, cheating, fraud, bad banks, dissent, phone hacking, unscrupulous journalists and I could go on but it’s just depressing. The country is a stirred-up wasps’ nest. Full of sound and fury and signifying I’m not sure what. People have forgotten how to be human.

 

Am I a patriot? I don’t really know. All I can say at the moment is that I love my country for what it was and what it could be, rather than what it is today.

 

So, what about the football? Did history repeat itself for me too? Well, this time, no. There were no tears on my part and no alcohol. Maybe the two were connected.

 

The only barriers between me and getting my German citizenship now are time and money. I’ve passed the tests, gathered all the documentation and all I need do now is make an appointment and hand over my Euros.

 

I read an article pertinent to my situation, the other day:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/article/countries-for-losers-countries-for-winners/

 

The idea is that there are countries that reward winners richly, but where the losers pay the price. Yes, guess which country is top, followed by – yup, got it! And this all works because many people naturally assume that they’ll win at some point.

 

Germany is on the other list of countries – those where voters graciously admit they are and will remain losers and where public transport, housing and schools are fit and decent for the majority of the population: the ‘losers.’

 

I do wonder if my wish to become German has something to do with my middle-aged but happy acceptance that I’m not one of life’s ultimate winners?

 

So, German citizenship, here I come. Watch this space.

 

But I would like to see those bastards once, just once, lose at football! 

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These days, I’m clutching both passports as I scurry back and forth across the Chunnel. 

And soon we’ll get a new government here. Let’s see.

Whatever happens, and politics aside, as far as I'm concerned, There’ll Always Be a Europe. 

I’m the bad guy

 

Last week, I was in a local school, doing an author visit. Over the years, I’ve developed this into a kind of show. You don’t want listen to me droning on, I say to the class, and instead recruit a few volunteers to act out scenes from the book. There are props - a ruby-encrusted cane, a “bomb” in a biscuit tin - and a few costume bits and pieces such as tiger ears. And, of course, the villain get-up of eye-patch and stick-on moustache. 

I get the feeling I have more volunteers for the mad dictator and his bodyguard, and the evil drummed-out-of-the-RAF ex-officer Featherstonehaugh than for the young heroes of the story. And maybe it’s no wonder, as - hand-on-heart - I have a lot more fun writing the bad guys. I’m sure that’s true for a lot of writers - just look at James Bond to Batman to Harry Potter.

This article for Contagious, by Tom Beckman of Weber Shandwick, references another article from Wired. Both note the trend to villainy in popular culture - very clear in the world of films (Wicked, Joker: Folie a Deux, Deadpool and Wolverine ...) and showing up on the fashion catwalk too. The author then moves to music and I’m afraid my attention started to wander at the mention of Charli XCX and “brat style.” I began to wonder whether Tom had been given some kind of trend-cliche bingo card at that point. Still, there does seem to be something in the air as far as being on the wrong side of the tracks goes ...

Brands are also having a go at showing their bad side. It must be a relief after all that po-faced, goodie-goodie stuff to do something like Nike did for the Paris Olympics - no it’s NOT about “taking part”!!!

And why not? Villains have more fun, as the school visit demonstrated. If your brand isn’t in some deadly serious, responsible category, maybe it’s more entertaining and memorable to try for world domination with a bit of tongue-in-cheek that holier-than-thou saving the planet.

And talking of that, here’s Javier Bardem (somehow inspired by Iggy Pop?) for Uber Eats. Is your brand good at being bad?

 

RETROWURST: Sports February 2007

 

Now, here’s something I’d all-but-forgotten-about. Eighteen years ago, hot on the heels of the 2006 Sommermärchen, Germany was whooping it up with handball fever...

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Germany are World Champions! Since Sunday evening, the streets have been wild once again with red, gold and black, with scenes not observed since back in July last year. The media went wild, Angela Merkel and other politicians were falling over themselves with praise, the Public Viewing arenas were bursting at the seams and the Kurfürstendamm in Berlin was blocked with a victorious, hooting, celebratory car convoy.

 

In case you missed it, the World Handball Championship has been hosted by Germany in Köln over the past three weeks and the championship came to its climax on Sunday afternoon with the final, which the German team won against Poland 29:24. This is the third time that the Germans have won: 1978 was the last time. 12m viewers watched the match which is reported as being a record.

 

While some of the hype and hysteria that surrounds the win here undoubtedly comes from the tournament’s proximity time wise to the football World Cup last year, with the inevitable comparisons being made, the handball team and the game itself have a number of elements which naturally lifted a victory in a somewhat niche sport to more of a media extravaganza. There was the spirit, development and character of the team, a likeable and largely photogenic bunch who steadily improved their performance over the duration of the tournament. They had humility (unusual in Germany) with no arrogant assumption that they would win at the out start. There was a cliff-hanger semi-final against France, where the French team led most of the way. And then there was the drama of the final itself, with the goalkeeper retiring with an excruciating injury at a critical point.

 

The trainer, Heiner Brand, was also critical not only to the success of the team, but to the way the media and the public became infected with handball-fever, too. Herr Brand is an instantly recognizable figure with his trademark walrus moustache and is known as “the face of handball” – no wonder as he was also a player in the World Champion team of 1978. Herr Brand’s almost iconic status was celebrated by the team as they donned stick-on droopy moustaches and what looked like Burger King crowns to receive their medals and the trophy. Although the total effect may have looked like the Village People do Panto to UK eyes, the team paid homage to their trainer and further proved that the Germans do have a sense of humour in one fell swoop!

 

Overall, however, it is the nature of the sport handball itself that is perhaps the biggest factor in making this victory a particular subject of media jubilation. Handball is a typical Volkssport, a sport “of the people”, a sport in itself something of an underdog. In the short tournament which lasted all of 17 days, there was very little of the glitz, glamour or spectacle associated with football or the Olympics, just good, honest sweat, energy and deserved celebration at the end. And although the sport was something of a minority interest (not anymore, it seems!) it is a classic spectator sport; fast-moving and entertaining. Handball is a sport that comes from local clubs in little villages, and, in that respect, it is a most democratic sport that requires no special equipment or perfect weather conditions, simply a hall, two goals and a ball. There has been a definite move in Germany away from the glitzy, the glamorous and the global to honesty, authenticity and Heimat, qualities of which handball has perfect possession.

 

It is hoped that the handball triumph may be the impulse that German sport needs to regenerate itself. While the popular professional sports that attract big sponsors and pay TV are thriving, the “grass roots” side is looking around desperately for the next generation. Sport in Germany is centred mostly on sports clubs, rather than schools. In any one village, you’ll find an impressive number of sports clubs, offering anything from gymnastics to handball to hockey. Many of these clubs have been around for well over 100 years and proudly display their year of founding in their name or crest (no logos, please!). There are very strict laws in Germany about how much money clubs are allowed to make and most of the money raised via subscriptions or events is ploughed straight into equipment and trainer’s salaries. Children tend to follow their parents into clubs but with increasing mobility and more working women, membership amongst the younger generation is tailing off. 

 

Not just the clubs, but the sports shops and sports article industry will be looking to the handball triumph for an upturn in their fortunes. This branch is facing a rather grim year: there has been a VAT hike from 16% to 19% and there is no football World championship to generate sales. On top of that, the extraordinarily mild winter has meant that sales of ski and other winter sports clothing and equipment have fallen drastically. It is estimated, for example, that the ski manufacturers will only sell 3.8m to 4m pairs this season, some 10-15% less as last year.

 

But maybe there is a ray of hope: already, since last Sunday, handball tricots have been flooding the sports stores. If there is no snow on your ski holiday, perhaps you can at least get a few friends together and have a quick game of handball in the village hall.

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... and, then? Well, 2014 happened with the football, but since then, there hasn't been that much cause for whooping. The biggest success of Euro 2024 was probably the pink away shirt. 

But I try to remain optimistic - I see plenty of evidence for sports enthusiasm on the local and regional level, despite a lot of doom and gloom hand-wringing. Sport sponsorship is a brilliant opportunity for local and regional brands to play a part in the local community and bring people together. Despite the obsession with putting people in boxes, I remind myself that love for a particular football team can override differences in political views.

On the global stage, I was talking with friends last week about how Germany could well use something like the Olympics to get the sport dynamo back up to speed. We’ve probably missed the boat on 2036, and I’m not convinced that the centenary of 2036 is a good look for Germany however it’s packaged. (There was a proposal for a joint hosting with Israel, but I really can’t see that one working out well, sadly). 

But how about 2040, which would be 50 years after the reunification? My idea would be an emphasis on the former East German cities outside Berlin - Dresden, Leipzig, Chemnitz. Could be a hat-trick for solving a few of Germany’s problems?