BREXILE: A nasty outbreak of Brand Voice

 

Now that I've officially Brexiled myself, my visits to England this summer have been as a tourist. I've noticed on occasions that I feel like a stranger in the country of my birth.

Not for the reasons that the black balaclava lot and their ilk would have you believe, but something else. It's a nasty outbreak of Brand Voice, encountered on airlines, ferries, in shops, packaging, pubs and hotels. And the particular variant that made me wonder "are they talking to me, a (long) grown-up woman with a qualification or two and a reasonably high-powered career behind me?" is this: CBeebie-ese.

The problem with CBeebie-ese is that's it's developed centrally (and I expect with a load of "help" from AI) but doesn't necessarily match the context in which it's used.

I was staying in a beautiful country inn, part of the Chef & Brewer group. They're part of Greene King. Most of the pubs and inns under the Chef & Brewer name are traditional places, in historic buildings and rural surroundings. The one I stayed in was a place we'd go for an extremely posh lunch when I was a child. 

Staying there made me wonder if I'm still a child.

The once-elegant surroundings are riddled with CBeebie-ese.

Take the menu above - "Picky Bits." I can only think of noses, snot and spots, none of which are at all appetising.  To be honest, "Nibbles" isn't any better. Much as I love hamsters, I'm not a rodent of any kind. 

Then there's this. "Pop(ping) to reception" sounds like quite a hazardous occupation. Maybe the instruction should be to "carefully plod", just to be on the safe side?

Well, it is Chef & Brewer, I suppose. But in this case, it's a direct quote from cooks, rather than chefs. Big Cook Little Cook, as seen on - you've guessed it - CBeebies.

This one has less of the chirpy tonality and sounds a bit more ominous. Was I staying in a hostel for severely disturbed youths? Not sure that the colourful flowers exactly go with the message.

Still, maybe it could be worse. At another pub, I saw a notice where the Brand Voice was that of an unhinged teacher at the end of their tether:

Less CBeebies, and more Grange Hill (or its 21st century equivalent).